Easter Weekend

I have a really bad habit of trying to make things happen the way I imagine them instead of relaxing and enjoying the moments for what they are. Some of this centers around the fact that I am a mom and I have responsibilities with my kids and there are limited windows of time that may be used for relaxation and enjoyment. The secret, of course, is to learn to enjoy the moments while hanging laundry, while cooking, while picking up Legos for the million-and-first time. But that feels far advanced for me. Right now I'm struggling just to cook and pick up Legos, nevermind finding the hidden enjoyment in it. On Good Friday, Tomáš had the day off and I was bound and determined we were going to go on a walk as a family. Those are my famous words, as I'm often pleading with T to go out and do something together. Then I just decided I was going to go with the girls, and if he chose to come, great. And he did. And it was. The weather could not have been better. The views could not have been more spectacular. Mother nature put on her finest dress, just to wave at us that day. And to hear Lily's gasped ''WOW!s'' when seeing the yellow fields and hearing trees full of bees was a kind of gladness not easily matched by much. And as it turns out it was a weekend pretty full of WOW!s. Chocolate Easter bunnies and Technicolor eggs have a way of inciting them. 

All around me the winds of change are blowing. The flowers of change are growing. In Slovakia the fields of change are glowing. And I'm just so ready for it. At the end of last year I believe God spoke to me that this would be a year of healing for me. There's so much I want healing for. Physical, mental, spiritual, relational. And as I gear up to go home in June, there's a sense of anxiety that goes along with the anticipation. And I was talking to one precious friend and she (as always) gave me some terrific advice. That I just be open to change but not try to make it happen in my own power. And as she said these words I felt my body relaxing. I had been telling her that I believed I had a stomach ulcer and she said, ''It's the act of us trying to be God that burns holes in our stomach.'' And she's right. I guess it all boils down to trust. Do we trust God enough to release the reigns of control (which are an illusion anyway) and enjoy the moments for what they are? Enjoy the people for who they are? Because any change we might bring about through our own manipulation is not worth having anyway? Our girls take life as it comes. And they are full of so much joy.  

Farm-fresh eggs. Almost too pretty to color.

6 am

This Beautiful Life

Basically not a day goes by that I don't have the desire to write. Inspiration is rarely a problem for me. What is the problem is motivation. Energy. Organization. I can't even say that time is so much a problem because most days I have some time while Rosy naps, but sitting down and making myself put fingertips to keys, and more difficultly (is that a word?) thoughts to coherent sentences. That is what's hard. And I've wanted to write about that very thing for a long time now...why I haven't written...why I don't write, but it almost feels like an insurmountable task to get it all out there in any sort of satisfactory way. All that I want to say. So I'll just say I've been struggling. For a few years now. At least since Lily was born I have been living with memory loss, brain fog, fatigue and exhaustion. Everyone tells me it is normal after giving birth, and I know that is true. To some extent. I know everyone has moments where they go into a room and don't know why they're there. But all the time? Does everyone also think one word and say another? All the time? Is it normal to be watching a movie with your husband and have him ask, ''what did they just say?'' and have no idea? Or to absolutely freak out when you're required to listen to two people at one time? I've had a naturopathic doctor tell me I almost certainly have adrenal fatigue. I believe this, and I've been trying for nine months to eat for better adrenal health. I'm in bed faithfully by 10 o'clock every night. (10 o'clock, can you imagine?) But things just don't seem to be getting better. I know it's more than nutrition. I'm a worrier and that probably does more damage than all other factors combined. Somewhere along the line I've become quite the pessimist too, which weighs unspeakably heavily, not only on me but on my family. And the worst part about it is that, unlike a lot of people, I am keenly aware of the importance, no, the cruciality of thankfulness and enjoying moments, yet find myself over and over again unable to do that. Where does this unceasing negativism come from? It's a vicious circle, too, because that leads to guilt and guilt to shame and I think we can all relate to some extent to this god-awful phenomenon.  And I have so much more to say on this subject, but my littlest one just spoke up from her crib, so I'll end with this; two nights ago I struggled hard to get Rosy to sleep, and Lily, for the first time, asked me to lay with her and caress her and fall asleep with her, three times pleading, ''staaaaaaaay'' when I went to leave, thinking she was asleep. And it affected me profoundly. I was teary all evening until I broke down crying getting ready for bed. Tomáš came in to hug me and I sobbed to him about how precious our time is with our girls. I told him about Lily and how indescribably precious it was, how she looked at me when I came into her room and here's what he said to me, ''I know it. I tell you that these are good times.'' And he does. And they are. And somehow he has this deep, settled knowing. This deep, settled, easy ability to appreciate this beautiful life. I say ''easy'' but I know it's a choice. May I make the right choice. May I never forget the preciousness of our babies, of this beautiful life.

And speaking of this beautiful life, here's half a lifetime of pictures from Christmas to the present...

Tutu courtesy of Auntie Jamey

First day of pre-school

Lily's first hamburger

Composer

My mom's tree

New kicks

Welcome back, open balcony days

Babies in jeans

Not too into Easter decorations but I couldn't pass this guy up.

*All iPhone photos courtesy of Glenna Robison.