Monday, March 31, 2014

This Beautiful Life

Basically not a day goes by that I don't have the desire to write. Inspiration is rarely a problem for me. What is the problem is motivation. Energy. Organization. I can't even say that time is so much a problem because most days I have some time while Rosy naps, but sitting down and making myself put fingertips to keys, and more difficultly (is that a word?) thoughts to coherent sentences. That is what's hard. And I've wanted to write about that very thing for a long time now...why I haven't written...why I don't write, but it almost feels like an insurmountable task to get it all out there in any sort of satisfactory way. All that I want to say. So I'll just say I've been struggling. For a few years now. At least since Lily was born I have been living with memory loss, brain fog, fatigue and exhaustion. Everyone tells me it is normal after giving birth, and I know that is true. To some extent. I know everyone has moments where they go into a room and don't know why they're there. But all the time? Does everyone also think one word and say another? All the time? Is it normal to be watching a movie with your husband and have him ask, ''what did they just say?'' and have no idea? Or to absolutely freak out when you're required to listen to two people at one time? I've had a naturopathic doctor tell me I almost certainly have adrenal fatigue. I believe this, and I've been trying for nine months to eat for better adrenal health. I'm in bed faithfully by 10 o'clock every night. (10 o'clock, can you imagine?) But things just don't seem to be getting better. I know it's more than nutrition. I'm a worrier and that probably does more damage than all other factors combined. Somewhere along the line I've become quite the pessimist too, which weighs unspeakably heavily, not only on me but on my family. And the worst part about it is that, unlike a lot of people, I am keenly aware of the importance, no, the cruciality of thankfulness and enjoying moments, yet find myself over and over again unable to do that. Where does this unceasing negativism come from? It's a vicious circle, too, because that leads to guilt and guilt to shame and I think we can all relate to some extent to this god-awful phenomenon.  And I have so much more to say on this subject, but my littlest one just spoke up from her crib, so I'll end with this; two nights ago I struggled hard to get Rosy to sleep, and Lily, for the first time, asked me to lay with her and caress her and fall asleep with her, three times pleading, ''staaaaaaaay'' when I went to leave, thinking she was asleep. And it affected me profoundly. I was teary all evening until I broke down crying getting ready for bed. Tomáš came in to hug me and I sobbed to him about how precious our time is with our girls. I told him about Lily and how indescribably precious it was, how she looked at me when I came into her room and here's what he said to me, ''I know it. I tell you that these are good times.'' And he does. And they are. And somehow he has this deep, settled knowing. This deep, settled, easy ability to appreciate this beautiful life. I say ''easy'' but I know it's a choice. May I make the right choice. May I never forget the preciousness of our babies, of this beautiful life.

And speaking of this beautiful life, here's half a lifetime of pictures from Christmas to the present...

Tutu courtesy of Auntie Jamey

First day of pre-school

Lily's first hamburger


My mom's tree

New kicks

Welcome back, open balcony days

Babies in jeans

Not too into Easter decorations but I couldn't pass this guy up.

*All iPhone photos courtesy of Glenna Robison.