Seventeen

Lily turned 17 this morning. 17 months. And in the last year she has changed in more ways than she will probably ever change in one year for the rest of her life. She has gone from: not walking to walking, not talking to talking, not having (much) hair to having (some) hair, and so on and so forth. Her changes are very visible and very noticeable, but today I was reflecting on how I've changed in the last year. I tend to be pretty hard on myself when it comes to acknowledging personal growth. I suppose that's probably true for most everyone. But as I think back to those early months, there's one overriding word that hangs like a dark cloud over that whole time, and that word is fear. I don't even like writing those words because I don't want to remember it that way. I don't want to have been so scared. But I was. With a paralyzing fear. There were just so many unknowns, so many uncertainties, she was so little and I had so little faith in myself. Everything meant something. Every little decision seemed critical, the what ifs overwhelming. Thankfully it wasn't always like that; there was plenty of joy and adoration and pure enjoyment in having her, but there were also times when I felt very alone and was gripped by fear. But now, now most of it is gone. I've learned to trust myself more as a mom. I have grown. I've become more at home in being a parent, and I have God and Lily to thank for that. She has more than proven herself strong. How can I fear when she is so fearless? (which is a topic for a whole other post). Words are utterly inadequate to describe how I feel about her so I'll just say I wish you all could meet her because you would be completely captured by her too.

Lily a year ago

Lily today

How have you changed this last year?